1
00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:04,838
♪ It seems today
That's all you see ♪

2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:08,008
♪ It's the violence in the movies
And sex on TV ♪

3
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:11,887
♪ But where are these?
Good old fashioned values ♪

4
00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:14,389
[all]
♪ Who did we rely on? ♪

5
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:17,643
♪ Fortunately there is a family man ♪

6
00:00:18,268 --> 00:00:21,522
♪ Lucky there is a man who
Positively he can do ♪

7
00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:23,106
♪ All things
That makes us ♪

8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,942
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

9
00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:30,072
[all]
♪ He's a family man! ♪

10
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:40,457
Welcome to Quahog's
first recreational dispensary.

11
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:43,085
Now, as you all know,
I was against it.

12
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:44,545
I fought it tooth and nail.

13
00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,964
Maybe you should
also nailed it.

14
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,590
But that time is gone.

15
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,385
[crowd cheers]

16
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:54,554
Sort it out. It's enough
medicines for all.

17
00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:56,723
Wow, Quahog has
a lot more white kids

18
00:00:56,807 --> 00:00:58,725
with blonde dreadlocks
than I thought.

19
00:00:58,809 --> 00:01:01,061
-Mmm.
-And quite a few black ladies

20
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:03,146
with the blonde dreadlocks guys.

21
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:04,398
Cleveland, what do you think...

22
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:06,191
We don't like it
let's talk about it, Peter.

23
00:01:06,275 --> 00:01:08,402
It's a big problem
in our community.

24
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:10,529
You just need to know
in the white community,

25
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:13,240
these guys are kinda
they were considered, like, big-time lunatics.

26
00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,409
We are aware.
It is being handled.

27
00:01:15,492 --> 00:01:17,202
It just existed
a big zoom for it.

28
00:01:17,286 --> 00:01:19,204
- Maybe you could...
- We are moving forward

29
00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:21,707
and negotiation
with this interior.

30
00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,125
how are you

31
00:01:23,875 --> 00:01:25,794
There is a plan.

32
00:01:25,877 --> 00:01:27,212
That's all I need to know.

33
00:01:32,801 --> 00:01:36,138
It's this Crunch Cinnamon Toast
witness protection when i'm at breakfast?

34
00:01:36,221 --> 00:01:37,222
[slamming the door]

35
00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:41,059
Susie and I saw you
unloading groceries

36
00:01:41,143 --> 00:01:42,686
and I wanted to let you know

37
00:01:42,769 --> 00:01:47,316
if you need
to borrow reusable bags, I have a bunch.

38
00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:50,986
And, you know,
you can't soak cast iron pans, right?

39
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:52,446
It strips off the seasoning.

40
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,781
Ah, Mrs. S
throws dances.

41
00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:57,826
-It's not wet. I'm boiling water.
-[beats]

42
00:02:00,746 --> 00:02:02,706
Oreos! Here you go, baby!

43
00:02:03,415 --> 00:02:05,667
[whining] I want Oreos!

44
00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:06,752
[groans]

45
00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:09,671
Hey, it's just Oreos. Relax.

46
00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,465
Besides, it's not for babies.

47
00:02:11,548 --> 00:02:12,966
It's about rewarding good behavior

48
00:02:13,050 --> 00:02:14,843
in adults with developmental delay.

49
00:02:14,926 --> 00:02:15,969
[cell phone rings]

50
00:02:17,554 --> 00:02:19,598
-[Keyboard Usages]
-[beep]

51
00:02:27,189 --> 00:02:28,231
So then I was like,

52
00:02:28,315 --> 00:02:32,110
"Even if I have too
was the postman the whole time?'

53
00:02:32,194 --> 00:02:33,945
Yes, you said
the one in the car.

54
00:02:34,029 --> 00:02:35,447
I know, but you didn't answer.

55
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:38,325
Let's, uh... Let's shut these guys down
in the cabinet for a while huh?

56
00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,951
Yes, I think that would be best.

57
00:02:40,035 --> 00:02:41,620
[♪ suspenseful music playing]

58
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:49,044
[clicking]

59
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,128
[creaks]

60
00:02:53,298 --> 00:02:54,299
Bingo.

61
00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:01,848
Oh baby Bonus candy.

62
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:04,935
Mmm. I don't really feel it
the sugar rush.

63
00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,854
[♪ dreamy music playing]

64
00:03:08,563 --> 00:03:11,066
I can feel my heart beating
in my eyes.

65
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,700
Good idea, Rupert.
Music will help me relax.

66
00:03:19,783 --> 00:03:21,243
[♪ "The Wheels On The Bus" plays]

67
00:03:21,326 --> 00:03:23,245
Okay, that's good.
This helps.

68
00:03:23,328 --> 00:03:25,080
[singer laughs]

69
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:29,835
♪ The wheels bus on the bus
round and round ♪

70
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:31,169
Why should I be afraid to die?

71
00:03:31,253 --> 00:03:32,254
Wait, what?

72
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:36,341
♪ With a madman
on the grassy ground ♪

73
00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:38,760
[laughs maniacally]

74
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:42,722
♪ If you hear the madmen scream ♪

75
00:03:42,806 --> 00:03:43,932
[screams]

76
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:48,270
♪ The wheels on the bus
he might start growling ♪

77
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:51,648
♪ Crazy is in my head ♪

78
00:03:52,357 --> 00:03:55,485
♪ And very soon we will all be... ♪

79
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,695
Dead.

80
00:03:57,195 --> 00:04:00,699
I wonder if that is why
Ben and Jerry started making ice cream.

81
00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:02,701
[indistinct chatter]

82
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:06,455
Hey, get your lunches.
I know a point.

83
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:11,126
I think I might take a gap year.

84
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:12,335
You know, hit the road.

85
00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:15,755
There is something I was looking for
for a while that I have to find.

86
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:17,632
A little boy named Stewie Griffin.

87
00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:19,426
Can you... can you hear any of that?

88
00:04:19,509 --> 00:04:21,178
I don't even try
to listen anymore

89
00:04:21,261 --> 00:04:22,345
I'm thinking about football.

90
00:04:22,429 --> 00:04:24,514
What are you guys?
what are you doing up here

91
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,851
Big no-no.
The ceiling is off limits.

92
00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:31,980
Stewie, are you... high?

93
00:04:32,063 --> 00:04:33,899
Yes. So are you.
We are on the roof.

94
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:35,567
[laughs] Okay, I heard that.

95
00:04:35,650 --> 00:04:37,068
That was funny.

96
00:04:40,655 --> 00:04:43,950
[announcer on TV] We now return to
appointment with a favorite dentist in town.

97
00:04:44,034 --> 00:04:46,077
- He did. It was him.
-[slamming the door]

98
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:50,165
Peter, we have a big problem.

99
00:04:50,248 --> 00:04:53,376
It looks like Stewie
was high in school.

100
00:04:53,919 --> 00:04:55,086
Excuse me for a second.

101
00:04:55,587 --> 00:04:57,547
Lois! Someone is at the door for you.

102
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:00,926
Joe, why do you have Stewie?

103
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:02,427
I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois,

104
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:04,930
but obviously
Stewie was at school.

105
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:06,556
-What;
-It's the worst

106
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:07,766
I have seen in my career.

107
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,226
And I've seen four dead bodies.

108
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,896
Although technically, that was it
zip lining accident in costa rica.

109
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,232
-O... ok.
-Maybe not the best idea

110
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,151
having 13 year old children
securing these carabiners.

111
00:05:18,235 --> 00:05:19,402
-Joe, I--
- They wouldn't let me

112
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,321
to bring my own camera
on the zip-line.

113
00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:22,405
Weird, right?

114
00:05:22,489 --> 00:05:25,116
Well, it turns out they just want to
to sell you their photos.

115
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,744
I'll take it from here, Joe.
Thanks for bringing him home.

116
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,454
This is a serious offense, Lois.

117
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:32,499
I have a court order
to remove him from your guardianship.

118
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:34,960
What? No. Please!

119
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:36,127
I'm sorry, Lois.

120
00:05:36,211 --> 00:05:37,420
[crying] No!

121
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:40,340
baby! Please!

122
00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,759
Gotta entertain Stewie,
so I'll need your iPad.

123
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:43,844
What?

124
00:05:43,927 --> 00:05:47,722
[crying] No! baby! Please!

125
00:05:54,688 --> 00:05:56,356
Hi, what's up?
with Stewie?

126
00:05:56,439 --> 00:05:58,483
Well, it's at the Swansons
until I finish

127
00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,735
Online parenting courses.

128
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,070
Throwing this out there.

129
00:06:02,153 --> 00:06:04,656
If you want a new baby
in six months, let me know.

130
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,908
You have to tell me
within five months.

131
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,494
Well, five and a half maximum.

132
00:06:13,665 --> 00:06:16,668
Well, Stewie, I know your dad
he is a very funny guy

133
00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:19,754
but i kind of am
your "daddy" around here.

134
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:23,008
Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk
for being funny. It just is.

135
00:06:23,091 --> 00:06:25,468
Yes, Stewie,
Comedy is very big in this house too.

136
00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:29,806
In fact, I recently submitted
a packet to enter the Capitol Steps.

137
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,850
Nobody knows what this is, Joe.

138
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:35,896
They are quite well known in the
political satire, off center comedy world.

139
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:39,858
Does anyone here know if this is Tip O'Neill
a generous tipper? [laughs]

140
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:42,235
I'm making some hay
for it in the package.

141
00:06:42,319 --> 00:06:44,821
Tip O'Neill has been dead since 1994.

142
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:45,906
[cell phone rings]

143
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,491
Voicemail from the Capitol Steps!

144
00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:50,327
[Clarkey] Hi Joe, this is Clarkey.

145
00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,912
I'm sorry, but we'll pass.

146
00:06:52,996 --> 00:06:56,791
We're looking for someone more off-center,
more oblique, if that makes sense?

147
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,001
This is me!

148
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:00,962
There are many other comedy groups.

149
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,047
Oh really?

150
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,633
[yells] Like
the "horrible" steps of the Capitol? [gasp]

151
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,301
- What's up...
-If you say the words

152
00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:07,385
"Ocean State Fools"

153
00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:11,348
I swear to God,
I'm going to empty my bag all over the floor.

154
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:17,062
Meg, please, I really need the laptop.

155
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:19,272
I just finished
with my parenting lessons,

156
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:20,774
and then I can get Stewie back.

157
00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:22,734
One second. I have to finish
this is mandatory

158
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:24,235
sexual harassment lesson today,

159
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:26,071
or I'm not allowed
around the gatekeepers.

160
00:07:26,154 --> 00:07:29,658
[automated voice] True or false.
It's okay to kick a guy's bottom

161
00:07:29,741 --> 00:07:30,909
if he knows you.

162
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,327
This must be true.

163
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:33,912
-[automated voice] Wrong.
- I'm done.

164
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,038
Thanks, Meg.

165
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,998
This was so hard for me.

166
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:39,793
A mom just can't be
separated from her children.

167
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:42,420
Well, I'm going to Denver
with the guy from the store.

168
00:07:42,504 --> 00:07:44,172
Well. See you at dinner.

169
00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:46,883
Only if you are
in the greater Denver area there, Hos.

170
00:07:50,762 --> 00:07:53,431
I'll just give it to you
the "title" of the sketch.

171
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,433
It is called
"The Dan Quayle Spelling Bee."

172
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,102
The jokes write themselves.

173
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:59,020
-Make one.
-[Rings the bell]

174
00:08:00,647 --> 00:08:03,108
Here it is. i'm done
with my parents class.

175
00:08:03,191 --> 00:08:04,192
where is my baby

176
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:07,112
I'm happy for you, Lois.
but don't let it happen again.

177
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:10,573
We ran out of diapers,
so she wears a Walgreens bag.

178
00:08:10,657 --> 00:08:13,827
Oh, Stewie. I am so happy
to have you back

179
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:17,372
Mom will never do that
let's make something like this happen again, okay?

180
00:08:17,455 --> 00:08:18,748
This place is a nightmare.

181
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:22,335
They don't even have a xylophone
on a string that you can drag behind you.

182
00:08:22,419 --> 00:08:23,795
[creaking]

183
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,132
Well, if nobody's next,
I'll probably go again.

184
00:08:27,215 --> 00:08:28,466
[creaking]

185
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,718
[rings]

186
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:36,599
Now that Stewie is back, we'll have it
some new rules to keep us safe.

187
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:41,104
First, it is no longer enough for
our pet to watch over our baby.

188
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,148
Probably... probably the right call.

189
00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:46,818
Second, children's bedroom doors
it is not allowed to be fully closed.

190
00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,361
I'm happy to do this,

191
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:51,656
but I need you to be absolutely sure
you have thought about it.

192
00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:53,658
You don't earn this, Mom.

193
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,410
I make the last rule.

194
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:57,746
We will begin
using the buddy system.

195
00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:00,457
If you leave, you go with your friend.

196
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,500
Are you okay with all these rules, Dad?

197
00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,919
Sorry, mate, but I agree
with mom on this one.

198
00:09:05,003 --> 00:09:08,173
I learned a lot from his father's version
the parent sections.

199
00:09:13,094 --> 00:09:14,804
[commentator] He ran
to Stefan there,

200
00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,848
and now everything is breaking out.

201
00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:19,309
I also do dishes on holidays.

202
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:26,733
Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more
screen time, so I'll read you a book.

203
00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:30,236
This is called "There is a monster
at the end of this book."

204
00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:31,321
[both scream]

205
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:36,868
Peter? Stewie?
Where did you guys go?

206
00:09:37,702 --> 00:09:40,622
Lois, you must, very carefully,

207
00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:42,957
remove this book from this room.

208
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:44,375
Why bring it home?

209
00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:45,877
Why should I take this chance?

210
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,921
Peter, enough. Read to Stewie.

211
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,714
I'm an introvert.
I need to recharge.

212
00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:50,799
You know the rules.

213
00:09:50,882 --> 00:09:53,259
One of us must be
with him at all times.

214
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,261
Ugh, I can't live with all these rules.

215
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:58,181
Because Meg can live
her best life in denver?

216
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:00,683
[♪ dramatic music plays]

217
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:06,981
Um, MP Bobert,
can you stop touching me there

218
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,526
I am a woman.
My pants are just rolled up.

219
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:14,948
If I'm going to live under Lois' rule,

220
00:10:15,031 --> 00:10:16,991
I need to mentally escape for a bit.

221
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,828
Brian must have bulk
gum somewhere in here.

222
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,916
Oh Bree, beautiful pure.

223
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:27,710
Oh, sativa.

224
00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,671
That means nothing to me or anyone.

225
00:10:36,052 --> 00:10:37,929
Wow.

226
00:10:40,932 --> 00:10:42,851
Peter; where are you

227
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:44,519
Relax. I just went to the bathroom.

228
00:10:44,602 --> 00:10:47,981
Relax; Stewie is unsupervised
in front of the television.

229
00:10:48,064 --> 00:10:50,191
He could easily turn around
to something terrible

230
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,818
such as Paramount .

231
00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:53,611
Lois, you need to relax.

232
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,322
What would Dr. Cosby do?
do in this situation?

233
00:10:56,406 --> 00:11:00,160
You put the plaque in the drink
go lather up

234
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:03,288
and do it
i go sleepy floppity floo.

235
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:06,791
Naturally. Thank you, Dr. Cosby.

236
00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,796
[pops and puffs]

237
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,590
Can I go to the bathroom, guard?

238
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:14,716
You just went.

239
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:16,509
I do different things every time!

240
00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:20,054
Mmm.

241
00:11:20,138 --> 00:11:22,599
This rubber Zin is excellent.

242
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,648
He's about to hit that corner.

243
00:11:30,732 --> 00:11:32,358
Yes, he will hit it
to the next one.

244
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:35,486
[♪ interesting music plays]

245
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,280
can you talk

246
00:11:38,239 --> 00:11:39,657
Can you understand me?

247
00:11:39,741 --> 00:11:42,285
Ah, I expected it
long time to say that.

248
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:43,411
Here it goes.

249
00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,998
Stop buying
the cheap baby wipes. They tear me apart.

250
00:11:47,081 --> 00:11:51,044
Oh, great. Your first words
for me it's a grocery review.

251
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:52,212
Hey, guess what?

252
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:54,881
I think Baby Shark
it's a terrible song.

253
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,341
And Dora is badass.

254
00:11:56,424 --> 00:11:57,592
[laughs] Okay.

255
00:11:57,675 --> 00:11:59,552
We clearly went down
on the wrong foot here.

256
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:00,720
Let's start from the beginning.

257
00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,013
Hi, Stewie Griffin.

258
00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:10,855
I just... I can't believe you can talk.

259
00:12:10,939 --> 00:12:12,440
Not only can I talk...

260
00:12:13,316 --> 00:12:15,360
♪ I'm the model myself
of a modern general ♪

261
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:17,403
♪ I have vegetable information,
animal, and mineral ♪

262
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:19,948
♪ I know the kings of England
and I quote the match history ♪

263
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,283
♪ From Marathon to Waterloo
In order unequivocally ♪

264
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,826
[laughs]

265
00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:25,245
I like this.

266
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:27,247
Did Peter do this once?

267
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:29,582
Uh, he... he muttered
his way, but yes.

268
00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,126
I don't understand how we talk.

269
00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,836
Probably because we're both jacked?

270
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:37,131
[blows raspberry] I would
never do that in front of my baby.

271
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:39,926
Okay, then tell me something
about the Dave Matthews Band.

272
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:43,388
Carter Beauford is the best
drummer of his kind--

273
00:12:43,471 --> 00:12:45,431
Oh my god, I'm stuck.

274
00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:49,352
Well, I found some
gum in Bree's car and gave us both.

275
00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,980
- Are you crazy?
- Well, I should be,

276
00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:54,357
but this is kind of awesome.

277
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,192
I'm talking to my baby.

278
00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:58,820
Honestly, if I were you,
I would do it all the time.

279
00:12:58,903 --> 00:12:59,946
You can handle a lot.

280
00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:02,198
[sighs] Really? Do you think so?

281
00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:03,533
I mean, yes. Look at Peter.

282
00:13:03,616 --> 00:13:06,077
He treats you like trash
and he goes out of his way to help.

283
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,412
Why are you letting him do this?

284
00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:09,580
Oh, you go in there.

285
00:13:09,664 --> 00:13:11,124
It's hard, you know.

286
00:13:11,207 --> 00:13:12,834
You commit to someone for life

287
00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:15,920
when you are 19 years old
and you know nothing

288
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,630
Dime. Yes.

289
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:20,842
And it may be hard to believe,
but when she was 19,

290
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,969
Peter was amazing.

291
00:13:23,052 --> 00:13:24,762
I mean, strangely enough, I see it.

292
00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:28,725
Besides, he'll be dead
a couple of years anyway.

293
00:13:28,808 --> 00:13:31,311
Until then, my trust fund will be secured,

294
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:34,022
and i will play
in a completely different league.

295
00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:36,024
Oh, that's good.
Okay, well, you have a plan.

296
00:13:36,107 --> 00:13:37,692
That's... that's cool.
That's cool.

297
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:40,611
[♪ soft jazz music plays]

298
00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:42,447
Hi, what's the story with Chris?

299
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,032
It just doesn't seem to be...

300
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,199
How do I say this?

301
00:13:45,283 --> 00:13:46,534
...is thriving, you know?

302
00:13:46,617 --> 00:13:50,413
I fell on an escalator
when I was pregnant with him.

303
00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:52,790
It totally has an escalator head vibe.

304
00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:54,333
[laughs] Yes.

305
00:13:54,417 --> 00:13:57,795
We tried to sue the mall,
but then the mall just closed.

306
00:13:58,796 --> 00:14:00,089
Remember the malls?

307
00:14:02,425 --> 00:14:04,052
You know Brian loves you, right?

308
00:14:04,135 --> 00:14:05,845
Yes, I know.

309
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,847
No, he really loves you.

310
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,724
I know, I know.

311
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:12,060
I don't know how to handle it,

312
00:14:12,143 --> 00:14:14,729
but, ah, he is such a good boy.

313
00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,689
And he will be dead
in two years like this...

314
00:14:16,773 --> 00:14:18,649
[both laugh]

315
00:14:18,733 --> 00:14:20,985
[laughs] You... you are
a twisted lady.

316
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,904
You should try
on the steps of the Capitol.

317
00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,531
-What is it;
- I don't know. It's strange to the Swansons.

318
00:14:26,157 --> 00:14:29,118
Oh, my God. No matter what we did
an adventure together?

319
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,454
Oh, yes. i know
the perfect thing for this atmosphere.

320
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:34,999
Watch The Big Lebowski
in a small theater next to a college.

321
00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:36,375
Well. [laughs]

322
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,795
-Do you think I'll like it?
-You'd think it's fine.

323
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,254
All women think they are fine.

324
00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:48,513
Ha. You wouldn't think
Would John Goodman be The Big Lebowski?

325
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:50,640
Oh, yes. Oh, that's good.

326
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,683
I have a million
of these thoughts a day.

327
00:14:52,767 --> 00:14:54,977
Who am I supposed to be?
should I tell them? Crazy Bonnie?

328
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:56,354
Can I... Say something?

329
00:14:56,437 --> 00:14:59,065
Bonnie is not pretty enough
to be as bad as she is.

330
00:14:59,148 --> 00:15:01,859
Yes! That. That.

331
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:04,112
I really enjoy it
to take drugs with you

332
00:15:04,195 --> 00:15:06,280
I don't know why
people say drugs are bad.

333
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:09,534
Ugh. Ah, bad timing
for Philip Seymour Hoffman to appear.

334
00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,328
I can't stop thinking
for the girl who sold us the tickets

335
00:15:12,411 --> 00:15:14,413
and then he had to run
and make the popcorn.

336
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:16,833
Yes. And I saw a broom
from the popcorn maker,

337
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,127
that's how you know it is
putting on another hat.

338
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:23,422
- I'm still hungry.
- I'm hungry.

339
00:15:23,506 --> 00:15:24,924
We have to go to IHOP, right?

340
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:26,134
Must.

341
00:15:26,968 --> 00:15:28,928
Thank you very much.

342
00:15:29,011 --> 00:15:31,305
We had such a great time.

343
00:15:35,309 --> 00:15:37,854
You know our waitress was the girl from
the cinema, right?

344
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,105
Yeah, I couldn't look up.

345
00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,940
No one is rooting for her
harder than me

346
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,151
but you just know it isn't
to make our order correctly.

347
00:15:43,234 --> 00:15:45,153
Yes, just write it down. God.

348
00:15:45,236 --> 00:15:46,612
Okay, real talk.

349
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:47,864
Sometimes...

350
00:15:48,614 --> 00:15:52,160
I have a feeling I might love you
more than you love me

351
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:53,286
which is fine.

352
00:15:54,036 --> 00:15:56,581
You are not wrong.
I honestly can't believe I'm saying this,

353
00:15:56,664 --> 00:16:00,293
but there was a time
when I really wanted to kill you.

354
00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,253
What? [laughs nervously]

355
00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:03,963
Why would you want to do this?

356
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,882
Maybe it's because you're such a straw man.

357
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,508
You let everyone walk all over you,

358
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:09,427
your husband, your children, Bonnie.

359
00:16:09,510 --> 00:16:12,722
I... I don't understand
why would that make you want to kill me?

360
00:16:12,805 --> 00:16:14,849
I thought it was because I hated you

361
00:16:14,932 --> 00:16:18,477
but maybe i just wanted to
to put you out of your misery.

362
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:22,315
I think I wanted to kill you
because I came from you.

363
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:26,319
What is in you must be in me.

364
00:16:26,402 --> 00:16:28,863
I wanted to kill the part of me

365
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:30,573
that scares me the most.

366
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:34,243
Wow.

367
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,328
You are angry with me.

368
00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:48,382
IHOP must be rabbit
favorite restaurant, right?

369
00:16:48,466 --> 00:16:49,467
[spits and laughs] Yes.

370
00:16:49,550 --> 00:16:52,094
You will get us out of here.

371
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,429
Thanks for sharing.

372
00:16:53,512 --> 00:16:56,557
That was hard to hear, but that's okay.

373
00:16:57,058 --> 00:16:59,644
I'm your mom,
and my job is to love you

374
00:16:59,727 --> 00:17:01,896
to the moon and back
no matter what.

375
00:17:02,647 --> 00:17:03,940
Do you feel this?

376
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:07,026
Yes, I do.

377
00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:08,945
Good. Then I do my job.

378
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:11,322
And all you have to do is be a kid.

379
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:14,200
We ordered omelettes.

380
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:16,494
Oh, no, no.
That's good though. This is good.

381
00:17:16,577 --> 00:17:19,205
Better than what we ordered. Yes.

382
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,419
♪ Step on a crack,
break your mom's back ♪

383
00:17:26,045 --> 00:17:28,047
[laughs] No, no,
Just kidding. I won't do it.

384
00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:31,008
No, you can.
It's just a stupid game.

385
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,093
Well.

386
00:17:32,176 --> 00:17:33,219
-[curtains]
-Ahhh!

387
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,971
-Mother! Mom, I'm sorry!
- Oh, my God!

388
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,597
[laughs]

389
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:39,308
- Gotcha.
-Mama. Wow.

390
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,185
Where was that Lois?

391
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,354
Yeah, I should let her out more.

392
00:17:43,437 --> 00:17:45,982
I wasn't old
so tight, you know.

393
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,859
-I... I was crazy and fun.
-Really;

394
00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:52,280
I... I shouldn't
I'm telling you this, but once in college...

395
00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:54,699
[snickers] That's nuts. Well.

396
00:17:54,782 --> 00:17:58,119
Well, my friends and I,
we stayed up until 1:00 in the morning,

397
00:17:58,202 --> 00:18:01,747
Jimmy Crack Corn is playing
with spoons in the bathroom sink.

398
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:04,208
-[laughs]
-O... Okay?

399
00:18:04,292 --> 00:18:07,587
Yes. It was, like, really crazy.

400
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:10,840
Hey, we have to get back to Bonnie

401
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,592
about how mean she always is to you.

402
00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:13,801
Yes! [gasps]

403
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,136
I'll go get some spoons.

404
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,179
Do you know Jimmy Crack Corn?
I can teach you.

405
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:19,432
[chills] We're gonna sing it so loud.

406
00:18:19,515 --> 00:18:21,392
No, no. Just follow my lead.

407
00:18:21,475 --> 00:18:23,394
[man on TV] I wanted
to get it out of the way.

408
00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:26,981
Bonnie is giving you crap,
we give her crap.

409
00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,774
- Griffin style.
-Uh...

410
00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,736
[sighs] I won't be able to go.

411
00:18:31,819 --> 00:18:33,779
Mom, I met you
since I was a baby.

412
00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:35,698
You try too hard with everything.

413
00:18:35,781 --> 00:18:37,116
You are wound so tightly.

414
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,951
Just let it go, baby.
Just let it...

415
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,703
[curses] I did it!

416
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:41,996
I just let it go.

417
00:18:42,079 --> 00:18:43,873
Yes, the movie popcorn and IHOP

418
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,041
you can probably get help.

419
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:49,879
What a night.

420
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,506
We have to go on a trip,
like in tuscany or something.

421
00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,634
Oh. Like an Eat Pray Love.

422
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:57,470
Yeah, like...
like a mom and son pisghetti trip.

423
00:18:57,553 --> 00:18:58,679
Want another Oreo?

424
00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:01,349
Ah! [laughs]

425
00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:03,392
Gotcha! [laughs]

426
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:06,729
Oh. You remember
your Oreo earlier?

427
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:10,066
You know, my outbursts are never for
the subject it is about.

428
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:11,734
Oh. What do you mean?

429
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:13,819
It's a generalized lack of control.

430
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:16,572
I have no autonomy.
I'm on everyone else's schedule.

431
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:19,617
Stewie, I see you. i hear you

432
00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:21,452
I feel the same way.

433
00:19:21,535 --> 00:19:23,621
-All adults do.
- Do they?

434
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:27,166
I mean, I'm not tied down
in a car seat, but it might as well be me.

435
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,543
-[♪ gloomy music plays]
-Every day is shopping,

436
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:30,795
chores, clean up, repeat.

437
00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,338
So, isn't it just me?

438
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:34,131
Thanks, mom.

439
00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:36,175
Oh, I love you, honey.

440
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,933
Well, you're not going to kill me, are you?

441
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,518
Not soon.

442
00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,147
[Bonnie screams]

443
00:19:50,231 --> 00:19:54,193
Joe! Because they exist
Three human poo on our lawn?

444
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,820
[Joe] Two of them are not mine.

445
00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:59,782
[both laugh]

446
00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:02,743
[both sigh tiredly]

447
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,878
[yawn]

448
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:14,463
Why am I on the floor?

449
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,883
-Why are you here?
-Why am I in Stewie's room?

450
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,719
I don't remember anything.

451
00:20:19,802 --> 00:20:22,388
This is like The Hangover
with Justin Bartha.

452
00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:23,889
Yeah, nobody thinks like that.

453
00:20:23,973 --> 00:20:25,057
Oh, there you go.

454
00:20:25,141 --> 00:20:28,018
I have no memory
about what happened last night.

455
00:20:28,102 --> 00:20:30,354
However, I have the strangest feeling

456
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:33,899
that Stewie and I
we shared something special.

457
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:35,234
Pancakes, please.

458
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,446
Yes, it is strange, Rupert,
but i feel the same way.

459
00:20:38,529 --> 00:20:40,114
Something has changed with us.

460
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,450
I think this
it's a whole new beginning.

461
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:46,162
Ah-ah-ah. Too soon, kid.

462
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:49,206
[crying]

463
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:51,000
Oh, my God.
What's wrong with you?

464
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:52,668
They're just Oreos.

465
00:20:53,669 --> 00:20:57,298
[sighs] Well, I guess
we'll always have what was last night.

466
00:20:57,381 --> 00:21:00,509
We are outside of you
Tom's of Maine Rough and Dry Baby Wipes.

467
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:01,594
I will order more.

468
00:21:02,678 --> 00:21:03,888
I will kill her.

469
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,974
[♪ playing closing theme music]